a3amriddle's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- much to long well my my how time has really flown. I have sat and spent hours pouring over this and an old diary I found. From back in the days of disaster and slowly losing marbles,one after the other. Eventually there were none left and I stood alone in the circle, alone at rock bottom. And it was all my fault. All those people I love and those that love (some that no longer do) I hurt them all in ways I can never apologise for, I can never ever take back. He was the last person to stand at my side (most time) and I destoryed it. Now that I look back on so many things I feel so stupid,all of it was for nothing. I gained nothing out of that quest, just slowly drove myself crazy. That made it worse,and then I start drinking again.And then I lost my job. And killed a man. Lost so much more than I could even fit into these words. Theres just no explanation. if I could Id go back and kick my own ass. I'm lucky I didnt get myself killed. I still have no recollection of a couple hundred miles drive. Still scares the living shit of me. Still wasnt enough to slow me down. Didnt even consider the destruction I was causing the others. All I could see was the horrible destruction that lie inside. Now I can see all of it for what it really was. Rage, plain and simple and stupid stupid ignorance.He'd never except my apology, hell he'd prolly follow through on his threat to kill me right then and there. God, theres so much to regret.And to learn from. I don't feel that girl anymore, she and I we learned to lay down our swords and except the facts for what they are. Not what I wanted them to be or how I saw it inside my warped thoughts. Too much time wasted.How did all of that not make me see so much sooner how precious this life actually is. I still have those crazy dreams, all of us we are still in here somewhere.Some more subdued than others,but my warrior has laid down her mass weapons and we are all trying to embrace this together. I can still these those egyptians stars though. The eclipse, wonder if I'll evr figure that out. My thoughts still wander from one to the next when I write,some things never change I suppose. oh,but the ones that have. My little Haven, my saving grace. She really did save my life. I consider ending it, I had decided not longer after the final goodbyes that I was not for this life any longer,once she entered it. One for another.But then one day,one blessed (?) day I sat miserably in a waiting room (as always again,and again and again)and this song came on. She had kicked many times before, to the point of bruises. But this is was pure rythm. and those small beats right there in a span on maybe two minutes changed our lil universe. It made me want to sing, which in short of the long story made me remember the good and what it was actually like to live again. Oh, that first cry, that sweet head on my chest. I think I was born again with her that afternoon. The nurses must have thought me a hot mess that midnight,finding me and a baby sitting on the floor. Her asleep and me a sobbing mess,simply that she was so beautiful and so pure. I swear still I know her soul. From somewhere before,another time,another face. she's more than I can ever say.Still a year later I look at her sweet face and melt. I sing her that song. I wanted to name her Grace, but I refused to have her name tainted with my bad memories. So instead she is my Haven. I look back now and think of all the time wasted,all the time without her. And she might have come about the totally wrong way (the short end of the stick) but Id never give her up to change any of it. Even his loss,he would have loved her despite the fact that I literally beat his ass. And then the other loss, I knew it would go that way again. I knew he would hate but I felt as if I had to say something,to explian. Some how on the path back to me it seemed necessary. Now I wish he had not. He prolly pitied me before and dealt with that,instead I gave him a real reason to hate me and I can't imagine what it must have done to him. I wish I could take it back, but my girl. I couldnt give her up. I can only hope to not screw her up. God I love her so,in a way i never imagined possible. She reminds me daily of why I am still here, despite all the old bullshit, she gives me a reason to get up out of bed every day. She makes me feel alive again and then something else. Something deep inside I dont ever recall feeling... its good, my heart aches with it. The sight of those eyes. How many people had to pay the cost for me to get this far though? How much pain did I cause that I am unaware of? I can only hope to spend my life raising her as fit and making retributions to myself for all the horrible shit I put myself through and the ignorant lines of thought I dared let myself believe. I could never make it all up, I could never off them enough apologies. And most still love me anyways. Well the rest,a bit of my heart still lies with most.and my thoughts. Now I attempt to help others. These girls, with the faces I recognise, disguises I once wore. The words are harder than others sometimes, but it gets easier each time. and I have had my proud moments. In the end I should have/could have saved myself sooner.I can only hope to just maybe help others towards that direction.Oh, the things I have learned of myself. The things one lil tiny person (before she could even speak) taught me and still does. I hope I have come far enough to make the few who still stand there (though none will ever read this, not entirely sure anyone ever has) proud that they stood by.She asked me today about love,another man. the thought has only ever crossed my mind a handful of times. Most times I am simply to busy.Love? I'm not sure. Did I mess up the last chance? will I find it again or have to wait till him and I clash in another life? I hope this is the last string in the bunch. Maybe I can correct enough of the mistakes this time around. Though so far, thers alot to make up for.I dream those women, I catch glimpses of them. Know them enough to recognise myself, but I can never find their endings anymore than I can imagine my own. Did they find their happiness? Did she escape him? I mostly definitly did. Still a work in progress. but love? that word. I would like to think I have healed in many directions, but in that I am unsure. The thoughts alone cause shiver,and not the good kinds. Could another man really love me? Could I ever lay it all out for another and not have him react the same as the last? Even though its over now, its never really over. The nightmares get further in between, but old fears are harder to conquer that old stains. What if I can't remove enough of the old scars? see, its at night time in the quiet left to my own devices I am my own worst enemy. I must not think that way. but? I do have babygirl though, I think that would be enough for a while. I am still no where near ready to approach the topic of sex.Not so sure if I rip the two things apart again, definity dont want to the way I did last time. closet visits are fewer and farther in between but its always the same things that lead me there. And I am entirely to paranoid, still dont like too much attention though I have gotten pretty good at reminding myself that not every near by ma is going to rape me, or remove chunks of skin or chunks of my soul. and see there I go again, some thoughts lead to others and its not a good path. Deep breaths, rememeber the giggles. Maybe one day it will easier, the shadows less and less. They certaintly are less so than a simple year ago. Very rarely do I even feel the need to hide myself away,to stay inside. and I refuse to lead her into that life. I've even had a couple of drinks and left them there. Addict is not a label I give myself anymore. That was just self medicating, hiding the pain though it did just the opposite. Having your stomach pumped and hearing that heart monitor beep out definitly brings about a different perspective. There was a time to face the music. Thank the heavens it followed days after her apparent making and seems to have left her with no damage. Which still seems unbelievable,she survived those hellish few days. That phone call from his mother. The hell I put myself through was bad enough but I swear on everything I find sacred that those episodes will never ever ever touch her. I don't need the alcohol now to hide behind, I attempt and often struggle with the coping tools and the things I have learned.and learned to learn about myself, but I swear to press on.Clean up what I can of this mess. One day when she's older will I have to tell her of her sordid things? that thought never occured to me till now,and just now that seems so dense. but that is a worry for another day. For now she will greet me in the morning with the heavenliest smile and the best hug. That alone is enough and almost entones for all of the past.What a rambled mess this has turned into, but helpful enough I suppose to turn back to this old exercise. The pencil journals though much more interesting with the doodles and messes, are getting to hard to hold for to long and get it all down. Could always type much faster that I could write, keeps up with the thoughts much better. So thank you,thank you,thank you. I can only hope the ones he still holds are not hated. 12:52 a.m. - 2013-07-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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