a3amriddle's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- laid off I wonder what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown,because I'm starting to feel on the verge of one.Does someone know theyre crazy before they get there? Is it like something subtle but then you're like nah I'm fine. I feel so tired and worn down by all of this lately.and I know its going to be fine,that everything will work out.But god I'm so tired of hearing that and waiting for it to happen. Seems like things just keep getting worse and then every time I catch up something else happens where I'm further behind than ever before. One step forward and twenty back.Its so frustrating and I'm so tired of doing this day after day. But theres no other option.Tomorrow I'll feel different I'm sure and its fine whatever.But god I'm so tired I feel like I could sleep for days on end and just lie there.Impractical as that is,I'm tired of getting up and doing it all over again everyday. It seems so pointless I'm not getting anywhere just going in circles and it seems there getting smaller everytime.I'm so glad damn lonely here without my friends I hate it I miss them so much I miss my boys and there silly antics.but I hated it there and theres no job no place to live there and the weather is still fucking awful.And theyre obviously not coming here,so that whole thing is fucked up too.Just losing them slowly anyways. Seems I've forgotten how to make friends or at least any worth hanging out with.Besides the group theyre great but then we dont see them much either. I havent really met anyone I'd really care to hang out with or at least someone that doesnt just think I'd prolly make a good peice of ass or a nice arm trophy.Not that that makes any more sense to me either.It still amazes me,as much as its flatterng,that they seem to find me so attractive.Though it never seems the ones I'd want to go for. Of course its old dirty men,which for obviouser reasons is extra creepy and unnerving.And then theres always that little rambling voice that starts it. Whats wrong with me? why isn't this working? how did everything get so fucked up? half of them dont make any sense the rest I dont even know where to begin. I've gotten so off track somewhere,a long time ago and I dont know how to get back. I feel like I've lost so much of myself and I miss that person. Sure some of it I purely grew out of and grew up but it barely seems like me anymore.Given up on some many things,dreams faith.I couldnt even pinpoint when or how it happened.Just like waking up one day and realising I've been feeding myself stupid nonsense for years.And I'm just rambling again,another damn pity party.Which certaintly doesnt help my case,just makes me feel kinda lame and weak.I dont know what to do. 10:30 p.m. - 2010-03-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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